White Noise
by GingerLikeDylanKeogh
Summary: Lofty finally returns to Holby and is forced to confront Dylan for avoiding him. Emotions run high and the truth comes out. For all the Dyfty shippers out there, shoutout to @oldpalegoth and @casual-laurie on Tumblr for the big support and enthusiam, hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

No one expected Lofty to simply waltz through the ED like he'd never been away, easily slipping back into the environment he had so radically been removed from a year ago. It even came as a surprise to Robyn, who had been consistently sending emails back and forth to the distant friend she has missed so much. Of course she had been telling Lofty every inch of gossip to pass through Holby's doors of her new boyfriend, of Lofty's replacement nurse whom she had befriended, of the loss of old colleagues like Dr Hanna and Big Mac. And as sure as the sky was blue and her hair was red, Robyn had been keeping him updated on how Dylan Keogh had been coping since Lofty's departure. Dylan had been ignoring Lofty's every email, text and phone call. The nurse was even tempted to write a letter, but somehow already knew it would get the same result. It was driving him insane knowing that the man he had previously regarded as one of his closest friends now wanted nothing to do with him. And he missed Holby. He missed it so much. While retraining in bereavement counselling, Lofty had grown up. He no longer felt like the bumbling idiot he had previously considered who he was. He _was_ still the clumsiest person known to man, but didn't mind. Now Lofty felt surer of himself, more determined to do what he loved and be happy; he felt more mature than ever. And he knew exactly what he needed to do next – go back to Holby and face his past.

There was a large fuss when he reached the reception desk. A large majority of the noise was coming from Robyn, who was too busy squealing in joy that her friend had returned. Other colleagues like Max and Cal also added to the noise, cheering and hugging Lofty. It almost seemed like no one was actually attending patients for a brief moment, as practically everyone was welcoming Lofty back home. Everyone but Dylan Keogh. Lofty scanned the room but the man was nowhere to be found, it was almost disappointing. After the fuss had died down and everyone returned back to work, Lofty was able to inform Robyn why he had come back.

"I just missed everything, everyone. I don't know if I'm going to stay permanently yet, but I thought I could see how it goes." Lofty tried to explain. Robyn grinned at him and proceeded to introduce David. David outstretched a hand and Lofty took it confidently.

"David, Robyn's told me lots about you… oh no don't worry, all good things!" Lofty nervously laughed, realising that David was worried by the look on his face. His expression softened as Lofty patted him on the back and smiled, trying his best to put David at ease. Eventually, everyone had diffused back into the department, each minding their own business once again. That was until Lofty spotted his old friend marching down one of the halls, seemingly unaware that Lofty was even in the building.

"Dylan!" Lofty called, in his best effort to get the focussed doctor's attention. It worked.

Dylan was frozen in his tracks, suddenly clocking the familiar figure at reception. His eyes widened in panic; mind going completely blank at the sudden realisation that Lofty was back. He could feel his heart rate increasing as the temperature of his head got higher and higher, eventually causing him to break a cool sweat. His eyebrows seemed to be stuck raised and his mouth refused to close. For a moment it felt like everything was frozen still, like someone had taken a photograph of them. But then Lofty was walking towards him, and he still couldn't move. He felt like he couldn't even breathe. But Lofty was getting closer, closer; Dylan had to escape. He wasn't ready to face it all again. Bolting for the staff room, he rushed away from the curly-haired man without a second glace, leaving a confused Lofty in the hall. He hovered for a moment, considering whether it would be wise to pursue the doctor, but decided it was now or never.

"Dylan, please wait. Can't we just talk?" Lofty sighed as he ushered in after him. Dylan was stood facing the sink, avoiding eye contact with the other man. Max was sat at the counter, flicking through that day's newspaper. He looked over at Lofty and then at Dylan carefully.

"I have nothing to say to you." Dylan finally said, barely flinching. Lofty didn't really know what to do; he just knew he needed to sort this out before it was too late. He wanted to salvage their friendship; they had been through so much together before Lofty left. Max glanced at the two of them again, and cleared his throat.

"I'm gonna… um," he motioned towards the door with his fingers, awkwardly shuffling out of the room. He looked back at Lofty, who was trying his best to smile but failing, before returning a smile and closing the door behind him. He spotted his sister close by, and shook his head at her.

"Don't go in there. They're going to 'talk'…" Max warned. Robyn's face shifted to concern.

"Dylan doesn't do 'talk'." She stated, worriedly.

"I know." Max sighed, taking her arm and pulling her away from the tempting view from the window.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The staff room door closed with an unnerving thud, which echoed through the silence of the room. Dylan remained facing away from Lofty, his eyes practically glued to the dull wall. Lofty shifted on his feet for a moment, considering how to approach the situation. Finally, he cleared his throat in an attempt to start the inevitable conversation they were trapped in.

"Why did you ignore me for all this time?" Lofty found himself asking.

"Why did you come back?" Dylan shot back, not even acknowledging Lofty's question. Lofty sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I missed Holby. I missed everyone here. _Everyone_ , Dylan." Lofty spoke carefully. He knew he was going to have to drop more subtle hints to avoid stunning the doctor or sending him into an emotion-confused panic.

"Oh, please." Dylan scoffed, trying hard to appear like he held the power in their situation. Lofty was offended that Dylan found it entertaining.

"I care about the people here, Dylan. The people we treat, the people we work with,"

"You made it quite clear who you cared about when you up and left." Dylan gritted his teeth. Lofty's stomach began to turn and he could feel a sense of guilt throw him. Dylan finally turned his head to look at him. He had only intended to glance at Lofty, but once Dylan's eyes met his, he was fixed.

"Hey that's not fair. _You're_ the one who's been ignoring my calls! And my emails. And my texts! I've been trying to make things right because I felt like crap when I had to go, but _you_ –"

And then Dylan was marching towards him, with something fiery in his eyes Lofty had not seen before. He was sure Dylan was going to punch him, but he stood firmly waiting for the impact. Dylan's hands met the front of Lofty's shirt and suddenly the nurse was being plunged backwards. His back met the staffroom door and he realised Dylan had him pinned.

"No, see, you don't get to be angry. You left me, remember?" Dylan growled, eyes still firmly looking into Lofty's. The nurse swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to think of some way to calm Dylan down.

"Dylan…" Lofty gulped. He had to go about this carefully or Dylan could lash out. Lofty had never seen his friend so fired up, and he was afraid of how he would react if Lofty said something wrong.

"First you left, and then Zoe… and everything spiralled downwards from there. I was in a dark place for a really long time because I knew it was my fault you left. And now that I'm finally – _finally_ \- beginning to rebuild myself – you come swooping back in expecting everything to go back to how it was?" Dylan almost laughed. Lofty was silent; he had no idea what to say. Dylan just kept looking up at him with those deep eyes and he was almost mesmerised being so close to them. Lofty was sure that just for a moment, a fraction of a second, Dylan looked at Lofty's lips, but before he could even be sure if it happened Dylan was looking back into his eyes with so much anger. His grip on Lofty's shirt was still tight, pulling the younger man down so that they were almost sharing the same oxygen. Lofty's stomach felt like it was filled with pebbles, he couldn't comprehend what was happening. He definitely hadn't anticipated Dylan's head to start falling forward – leaning into him? He was so close to Lofty's face. What was happening? Lofty had no idea. He opened his mouth to speak, but then Dylan was pulling away like nothing had happened at all and Lofty was left just as confused as before.

"It doesn't work that way, Ben. Happy endings don't exist, and even if they did – why should _I_ get one?" Dylan's expression softened, he looked down at the floor as if he was almost ashamed at the idea that _he_ could be happy. His clutch loosened, Dylan let go of the soft cotton now scrunched up into creases where his fist had been. He stepped back from Lofty and put some space between them. Lofty was still frozen against the door, almost afraid to move. He wasn't even afraid of Dylan; it was the fact that he wanted Dylan's head to lean just a little bit too close, close enough to… Lofty was terrified even thinking like that. Dylan would never. He knew that.

Dylan leant his back against the counter, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, choosing his next words carefully.

"I-I'm sorry…When you were here I felt safer. You told me I was okay so I believed you, so then I felt… okay; when you were gone you weren't here to tell me I was okay. I don't think I've been okay for a while, and there hasn't been anyone around to convince me I am anyway." His voice was almost trembling, like he'd realised how threatening he had been. But Dylan still seemed so tense, like he was going to flip right back again if Lofty put a foot wrong. There was silence for a moment. The figures outside the staffroom floated back and forth like litter in the ocean. Lofty cleared his throat again, he could handle this. This was part of his counselling training – helping people when they've lost someone dear and feel lost themselves.

"Dylan, I'm sorry I left but please don't be so angry with me-"

"Ben you seem to have forgotten that you broke my walls down and then abandoned me. You can't blame me for rebuilding them twice as high and twice as strong this time." Dylan interrupted, with an irritated look on his face.

"You're acting like this has only affected you. Dylan, I never _wanted_ to leave." Lofty lashed back, suddenly being filled with his own anger.

"Then why did you?" Dylan pressed, furrowing his brows.

"I hated myself for what happened to Dianne. Getting away from all this was just… what I needed. It was what was best for me."

"Well what about what was best for me? Hm? I needed you here, with me." Dylan struck back. Lofty winced at what he was saying, he never meant to hurt Dylan but it seemed his absence had really made the other bitter and hateful. Lofty pushed his lips out slightly, trying to find the right words to neutralise the situation.

"Look, I knew this was never going to be easy - but can't we at least try?" he sighed. And for a moment, it looked like Dylan was really considering it. Lofty could tell that he really wanted things to go back to the way they were. The two men had fallen into a comfortable routine; they just fit so well together. They balanced each other out, Dylan being the sensible one when Lofty was acting immature, Lofty bringing the light hearted humour when Dylan had had a particularly dull day. They had even become comfortable in each other's silence. Often, the two would simply sit in Dylan's front room, reading books or watching films while Dervla happily slept at their feet. But then Dylan's face changed. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and swallowed the lump in his throat. This was going to be painful.

"No, Ben, I just can't. I refuse to put myself at risk again. I refuse to put myself through all of _this_ again. W-we're… done. Just go." Dylan was right - it was painful. He didn't really want Lofty to leave; he craved the other man's company more than ever. But this was the only way to protect himself, wasn't it?

"You know what? You push anyone who could ever love you - ever care for you - away. Why do you do that?" Lofty shook his head, equally surprised in Dylan and in himself. Focus still firmly fixed on Dylan; Lofty could see the hurt in his eyes. This was a pressure point... Lofty should not be treading water here.

"I-I don't know. It's… easier," Dylan stuttered, his face reducing to something softer, something much more tragic than the angered one he had had earlier. A pain was shooting through Lofty's chest, at his heart.

"If I don't let people in, I don't get hurt – this just saves me a lot of pain." Dylan finally finished, his voice sounding more and more timid with every word. He refused to look Lofty in the eye now, seeking asylum facing the ground instead. He so desperately wanted to hug the other man, but this was for the best. He could not take losing his best friend again. A small shuffle came from the other side of the room and Dylan closed his eyes, expecting the warm hands of his colleague to wrap around him in an embrace. But no such hands arrived. Dylan looked up to an empty room, the door closed and Lofty gone. He pressed his lips together hard immediately and he searched the room frantically to find something else to focus on in an attempt to keep his composure. But then it dawned on him what he had just done.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dylan had tried to shake the entire situation off and get back to work, but it was too hard to concentrate with so much guilt weighing him down. Eventually, after treating a few easy patients, he asked to take the rest of the day off. Fortunately, there had been a rare rather slow stream of incidents today, so nobody really noticed Dylan had gone. He sat on one of the benches outside the ED, trying desperately to get some fresh air and clear his head. Face slumping into his hands, he let out a long awaited sigh. The sky above was filled with clouds, slowly drifting away from each other to reveal a mellow blue.

"I'm not giving up on you, you know." Lofty chirped up from his side. A sudden wave of comfort washed over Dylan; he was terrified he had scared Lofty away forever. Dylan let out a small laugh, still in awe that Lofty was just as persistent and good willed as he was the moment he left Holby. He was still the same person Dylan felt so…

"How do I stop feeling, Ben?" he found himself saying out loud, before realising to hold his tongue.

"Dylan, you can't just stop it." Lofty half smiled, turning his head to see Dylan's eyes fixed on him again. It caught him off guard, but the nurse quickly shrugged the shock off.

"It's all just white noise, it never leaves and I want to turn it off. When I feel things, I feel the extremes. I'm self-destructive; anyone close to me just gets hurt..." Dylan's voice trailed off, his head turning away as he looked into the distance where cars continued to pass and life carried on. There was silence for a moment, like the silences the two had grown to love long ago. He let out another sigh.

"I'm better off alone." And with that, Lofty was suddenly spurred on even more to crack the enigma.

"Dylan, it doesn't have to be this way." He reasoned, voice lighter and even more human than usual.

"How did you let go so easily? Weren't you tormented by it every single day?"

"Yes." Lofty's reply felt more like a reflex than a decision. There was no point in dancing around the subject – the truth was that every day Lofty was away from home, he felt like he was losing who he was more and more. The charity walk had helped in averting his attention, but it was over in a flash and soon the first thought when he woke and the last thought before he lost consciousness again was of Holby, and if he was honest… of Dylan.

"I think Dervla missed you," Dylan bit the corner of his lip.

"Well, I definitely missed Dervla." Lofty started, in a more elevated voice. "Can't even begin to count the nights I sat up thinking of Dervla." His face burst into an uncontainable smile, pressing his lips together tight to try to stop laughing. Dylan caught sight of his face and equally a small smile tugged the corners of his mouth. He looked down at the floor to hide it. "I realised while I was away that Dervla is…" Lofty hesitated. _Get it right, don't mess this up_ he thought. "Very important to me." And it felt like a weight had been lifted off of Lofty's chest. Sure, he hadn't professed an undying affection to Dr Keogh, but finally he had been able to show that Dylan meant an awful lot to him. More than he wanted to admit.

"Dervla, um, feels the same… I-she thinks. But she's not sure she knows how to."

"Maybe I can show her." There was a small silence after Lofty spoke, and he began to wonder whether this was a wise move. Dylan was not good with change. He liked consistency; all this at once could be too much. Just as Lofty began to get anxious and regret, Dylan finally chirped up again.

"…are we actually talking about the dog or-"

"You're such an idiot." Lofty laughed. High on endorphins, he mimicked Dylan's grabbing from earlier, pulling the doctor close. He didn't look scared; he didn't even look phased by Lofty's sudden movement. If anything, Lofty was the one looking flustered when Dylan grinned and closed the gap between them. His kiss was tender; his head tilting sensitively. Lofty noticed Dylan's eyes had fluttered shut, and followed his lead in closing his own. He didn't care if anyone saw them sat out here – this moment was theirs and only theirs. The rest of the world could wait. Dylan felt Lofty's nose brush his cheek and he wished he had shaved that morning, but Lofty didn't seem to mind the stubble.

"But I'm a smart idiot."


End file.
